Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
sarcasm needs its own font
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
