We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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