I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
