The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
