After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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