I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
this will be a night to untag.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
