wake up i wanna do it froggy style
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
