im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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