Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
