you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
