I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize