Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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