my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
