I cannot find my penis.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
