i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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