Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't deserve a penis
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
