I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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