my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
