I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
