I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
