You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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