so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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