I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
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