things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
