actually, I'm a sock model
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
