did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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