Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
