It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize