my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
