when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
