Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
