A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
