I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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