i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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