The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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