college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
