My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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