wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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