YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
