i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
