walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
