Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
