My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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