There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize