There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
