I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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