can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
