dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
