Someone shit on the floor
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
