i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
