Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
