It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
