I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
