He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
