When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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