Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
