whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize