Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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